Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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