I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
