too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
