AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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