what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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