i need an iv and a liver transplant
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
