we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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