It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
