I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
