My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
