speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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