i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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