God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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