He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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