Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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