Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize