he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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