Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
