he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
