Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
