He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
