Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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