The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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