We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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