This is not my ceiling
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You can't just leave with hair like that
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
