the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
