I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
