I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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