I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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