we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
