I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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