Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
