Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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