she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
