Farmville is her only friend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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