highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
