I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
