i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
