I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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