meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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