I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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