I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
