Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We need to feng shui this bitch.
try to milk me bitch
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