He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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