she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
MIDGETS
????
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
