I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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