he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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