I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
