it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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