And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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