Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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