Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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