Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
