I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
