youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize