I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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