An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
