Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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