dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
