remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize