Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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