I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
