i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
