Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
