Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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