How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
