6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You are the jesus of drinking
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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